Take Notes From Mother Teresa

I’m a little frustrated w/ my job these days. I like the idea of it, but in reality, I feel like I’m not doing anything. If I wasn’t here, everything would still basically be getting done. I randomly help w/ little things when other people here have a lot on their plate. I’ve worked on manuals…but no one is looking at them, so it really makes me feel like there’s no point. It’s great that they need these manuals, but in order for them to get anywhere, someone needs to make time to review and okay them. Once that’s done, they’ll just go on the shelf until we have new people and/or we encounter a problem that we need to go by the book on. I feel like everything I'm doing, Jessica could easily add to her plate, in addition to what she's already doing...thus, they don't really need me, like I said. So, fab that they brought me here, but I wish I had been brought somewhere that’s really just overwhelmed w/ stuff and needed me to come to relieve a burden. I guess that would make it direct service though…which is what I’m not supposed to be doing w/ the Americorp VISTA program. It just seems like they should at least REALLY need new programs or something. As the year goes on I may get into that, I guess, but I still really struggle w/ my purpose here.

I found a quote from Mother Teresa that I should try to remember as I struggle w/ this…

“We ourselves feel that what we are doing is just a drop in the ocean. But the ocean would be less because of that missing drop.”

I know the manuals must be important. They must really have things they need from me. I am making a difference…I just can’t see how. I’m glad I can help relieve little bits of stress, but I want projects. When do I get to become the person that can delegate little tasks to others? At World Relief I just picked up the slack, same w/ Orion and now here. I’m ready for my turn. Maybe I’m looking for too much out of a job, but I want to do something I can be passionate about. I am excited for what Habitat does in general, and I guess I indirectly help that, but I don’t see how. I know that’s part of what I signed up for. I knew VISTA was indirect service. I think I’m learning that I’m a direct service sort of girl. I thought I was a behind the scenes person because I don't like attention. But I think there's such a thing as direct servcie behind the scenes...I am so tired of trial and error discovery about myself :o) While I'm hear, I'd really like to learn how to find fulfillment in doing the little things. It comes back to the body analogy I think. Maybe I'm working as...a kidney. Just because you can remove one and still be fine doesn't mean they're both not important...right? Kinda brings new meaning to that nickname from a band trip in hs...Sydneybean Mudd butt. Well...the first part :o)